How to have a most enjoyable weekend.

I've taken the liberty of doing all the research required in order to really get out and enjoy your weekend.

The first stop you're going to want to make is to any local 7-11 or corner market. Because as we all know, measure 1183 passed overwhelmingly in the state of Washington, thus privatizing liquor sales and allowing your friendly neighborhood, sketchy, may or may not be connected to Al Qaeda, Minute Mart to sell anything they want. Especially to children and babies. But I digress. My point is, you're going to need something that will get you HAMMERED drunk.

Next, find your greatest southern rock mix tape, mp3 compact disc, or iPod playlist. You're going to need something loud to get this party started in a timely fashion. During this particular time, you need to be texting while you're driving. Make sure all your buddies know that you are on your way. AND, that you've rented a 14 passenger van with a full tank of gas. AND that you must check your morals at the door.
Once you've collected all of your buddies, it's time to unleash the Beast. AKA, Milwaukee's Best. This is a good time to remember that one of you can't drink as much as the rest of you. This person has got to work both pedals and the steering wheel.

Once you've got a good buzz going, find a high school football game to attend. If at all possible, locate that one dad who's a little bit too into the game. You know the one. He's yelling at his son who's the quarterback, and he thinks that he can do better. There's a long back story here, so bear with me. (wish I had a Family Guy cut away here)- This dad was the star of his football team in high school, but he blew his chances at making the big time because he got his high school sweetheart pregnant at homecoming. He passed up on a scholarship to Notre Dame in order to work down at the docks in order to support his child. That child is this kid who he's yelling at to "Get your head in the game. This is the biggest game of your life. Don't waste this opportunity. If you get any girl pregnant at homecoming, so help me."

Flashback to the current time. Who's ever feelin' the toughest, start yelling at this guy to leave him alone. Once the situation escalates, invite him to the parking lot. This is where he will either shut up, or it will be a great opportunity for you and all your buddies to circle around him. Not to give him an edge from death beating, but rather to explain to him the pressures of teenage life and that he might be pushing his son too far. That it might be the reason he never achieved his dream of being the quarterback for the Winnipeg Blue Bombers. After your good deed of making an uninformed parent aware of the social and psychological consequences of being "that dad", it's time to hop back in the van and head to the hardware store.

You're going to need 2 rolls of the wide GREEN painters tape. Not that blue crap. That's for amateurs. In addition, 6 cans of bright red spray paint. After said items have been purchased, make sure to find a Dairy Queen parking lot to start working on masking off the lines on the van. Why Dairy Queen? You're going to need snack while the coats are drying. (I suggest the Chicken Strip Basket with white gravy. De-freakin'-licious.) Once you've got a solid 6 coats on the van, it's time to remove the tape. The van should look pretty much identical to this now.

Now that your van has officially been pimped, and you're full of mediocre home cooked fast food, it's time to do some sort of heist. Heists are a great way to strengthen friendships and build life lasting relationships. One great idea, that I've seen on Worlds Dumbest Criminals, is to steal an entire ATM. Let’s just say that while you were in the hardware store, you got a bunch of chains, a power inverter, a Kawasaki set of interchangeable power tools, and safety glasses.

I like to image that ATMs inside the doors at convenience stores are probably the easiest to obtain. They're compact and not built into a wall of a bank. SO get ready. These step by step instructions are a fool proof way of being set for life. Or at least until all $600 is gone.

1. 3 guys go in with ski masks on and get the clerk's attention. He's going to think you're going to rob him. But that simply isn't the case. Make sure you are pretending to be really interested in some of the classy hats and lighters they have for sale just out of reach of potential thieves.
2. 2 other guys fasten the chain around the towing package on the fan, and run the other ends into the store and wrap them around the ATM at a minimum of 16 times. Go join the other guys looking at fine crafted merchandise.
3. Purchase a 9 LED flashlight, a couple cokes, and a bag of those habanero Doritos. Those things are HOT but so addictive!
4. Casually return to the van. Brace yourselves upon seating. Apply maximum throttle.
5. Drag the ATM back to the Dairy Queen parking lot.
6. Unleash the assorted Kawasaki power tools. I'd start with the reciprocating saw. Just a tip.
7. Once the ATM is open and the money has been counted and distributed, it's time to plan your next part of the evening. A little game called "Who Can Buy the Coolest Thing for Under $67".

The best way to play this game is to find a strip mall or one of those shopping centers that at least has a Kohl's. You can all go your own direction, but you only have an hour. After which, you must meet back at the van. And you know what, it just became a white elephant party. You all know the rules for that. Make it happen.

At this point, it's starting to get late, and you've got church in the morning. That southern rock mix is going to come in handy about now. And if I recall, you got the extra insurance on the rental van. It's time to set up "Gymkhana the van". One of you is bound to have an Iphone4SGSGG, so there's your camera. Here's a good example of how to do it.! I think you're all set for a few more minutes of fun.

So, now that your wives or parents have bailed you out of jail, I think you can look back and see that this was one of the greatest nights of your life. And it's all thanks to my helpful tips. But please don't be afraid to improvise. You don't even need a van. You could go Starsky and Hutch style or maybe even Knight Rider or Dukes of Hazzard.

Have a delightful weekend. And for reals, please drink responsibly. Just sayin'.

Where's Wallstreet

So, this occupy city parks, and the middle of streets, and camp out like bums, thing is about boring. So, in protest of the protesting, I've done some art. Or "art". Find Waldo! I don't know how many there are!

Oh, HAIL no!

As many of you may know, Everett, Washington is among the greatest places on earth... For people watching. And whats a better venue for people watching than the Comcast Arena to see the Everett Silvertips minor league hockey team play? It was about to get real. Fast.

Without any warning, on our way to will-call, (WON'T call more like it) you have to run a gauntlet of "Ay bro, you got any extra tickets, dog?" The response in my head? "your mom's got extra tickets... dog." But you can't throw down such "your mom"s when you haven't been properly screened for pepper spray and pocket knives. Apparently they don't want McGuyver at their games fixing squeaky seats and stabbin' fools.

Once inside, we had to make the epic journey to our seats. Section 119 never seemed so far away. But after noticing it was actually right next to the door, the panic ceased and we found our way to the green fold down chairs that were about to see one of the greatest spectacles in all of history. Or a WHL regular season game.

Have you ever sat in a season ticket holder area? You are in for a treat if that's the case. The first order of business was a lady with a bedazzled phone that needed to get by our end seats. First words out of her mouth. And I quote. "I have to squeeze my fat ass through here. I just had a burrito. Uhhhhgghhgh...." Follow up quote, "Don't worry, there were no beans." Noted. I can see how this is going to go down tonight. I like where it's heading. She was also nice enough to inform us that the Navy was giving away free crap in one of the corners. Who can resist that? Here's a list of paraphernalia that was obtained: T-shirt, pencil, pen, fake tattoos, microwave safe "reserve" cups. Things that we didn't get: water bottle and lanyards. The water bottle is still a sore spot...

Just as your getting familiar with your surroundings, the lights dim and out walks out, single handedly, the greatest form of Anthemology: Gene Sutherland, to perform the Canadian nation anthem. This is him.

The American national anthem was performed by a much more polished Navy lady. But I prefer the bold stylings of Gene Sutherland any day.

As soon as the game started, our usher, or should I say "Ursher got the voice make ya booty go (clap)", had to do a line of coke. Wait, it's Everett, so some meth. So a line of over prepared fans, including a VERY preggers lady, decided to stand in the isle. That does not go over well with season ticket holders. Here they were, minding their own business and, BAM, here's some idiots that can't find their seats. Luckily, the guy on the end of the row (with the proper game jersey on), who I'm pretty sure was made captain of the row, got up, found the ursher and let him know what he thought about having all these folks standing in the way of watching his beloved Silvertips. That got the job done. We only had one more issue with a single individual the rest of the night.

On a side note, through 2 periods we had yet to hear Party Rock Anthem, and we only got about 7 seconds of Moves Like Jagger.

During the intermissions, the Zamboni crew had a certain look that needed to be be achieved. Long skinny beard with a rubber band, and a pony tail coming out of a beanie that you know smelled like heavy pot smoke. Also, apparently Xzibit got to one of their Zambonis. "Yo dog, we know you like watching TV while you clean the ice..."


Have you ever noticed the linesmen and referee have a zipcode across their backs? There's 3 of you. 1,2, and 3 would have probably covered it for numbers. Just sayin'...

During the second intermission, I ventured over to Bobby's Hawaiian Hut for a large Mountain Dew. "Hey, how about a super sized soda for you silly sailors' stomachs?" Yikes... I guess the extreme v-neck should have told me something about you from 45 feet away. Also during the 2nd intermission, an attempt was made to purchase cotton candy. After the initial shock of them being out of it, Dippin' Dots were substituted and we tried to return to normalcy, but... I'm afraid the frost bite is just too severe and an amputation of some sort must be done.

Have you seen the t-shirt tank they have?? This was the closest I've ever been to catching a t-shirt, but I was also afraid for my life. I'm pretty sure they are traveling at well over 200mph. I think they might have even killed a little old lady last night. At least she went out doing what she loves. Enjoying junior hockey fights. There was 1. That turned into 2. And one of our Silvertips spent 17 minutes in the penalty box. And about the time that he came out, Party Rock Anthem finally got played! Holla!

Before I mentioned there was one more unruly fan. It was the classic drunk girl that can't find her seat, but she had no problem finding another cup of Longboard beer from Bobby's Hawaiian Hut. Somehow, her super stealth stumbling evaded the grasp of the ursher and she made her way halfway down the stairs where she just kind of swayed in place while the locals got restless. Someone said something to her and she said "uhhghchchchcuhchchhhhh....." and climbed back up the stairs. Moments later she was back into the game yelling the greatest suggestion in all of sporting event watching. "DO SOMETHING! uuughghghhh!"

Let's just say what happened on the ice was only good for the Prince George Cougars. (Who's mascot, we are convinced, is a 40+ year old lady in a leopard print, 1 piece, tight, low cut, short, cleavage revealing, dress. Who is too touchy.)

Alright, so it's a Snooki costume. Let's be honest.
I digress. The game ended in a 4-1 total domination by the Cougars. But the off ice entertainment made it a memorable night.

As we made our way outside, we were pelted with hail. And I was all, "Oh HAIL no!"

The end.

Photoshop Madlib #1

Place - Disneyland
Weather - Tornado
3 Animals - turtle, squirrel, aardvark
Crazy celebrity - Charlie Sheen
Weapon - Katana

ALL CAPS? SRSLY?

To those of you who think typing in all caps makes people read your statement (or in some cases several boring paragraphs) because it makes it sound urgent, you are mistaken. First off, why are you yelling at me? What is it about what you're saying that needs to be yelled? And it's not the kind of yelling that an exclamation mark brings. It's angry. It's the kind of thing you'd type while arguing with an ex. For example:

WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME MY MOTHER DROPPED OFF HARD BOILED EGGS LAST EASTER BUT INSTEAD YOU PUT THEM IN THE PANTRY? NO WONDER IT SMELLS LIKE FRICKIN' FARTS IN HERE. I THOUGHT THE DOG JUST HAD SOME REAL BAD GAS ISSUES. WOW YOU'RE A GENIUS, FRED. COME TO THINK OF IT, YOUR WHOLE FAMILY IS STUPID. AND YOUR DUMB DOG THAT I KEEP FEEDING CHOCOLATE TOO. THAT'S RIGHT. CHOCOLATE. IT MUST BE SOME SORT OF SUPER DOG THAT IS IMMUNE TO CHOCOLATE. WHICH MAKES ME WONDER IF THAT EXACERBATES THE ROTTEN EGG SMELL AND THE DOG ACTUALLY IS FARTING A LOT. I'M SORRY FOR EVERYTHING I JUST SAID. PLEASE COME HOME.

Now, what Fred's significant other did was mostly correct. His actions warranted 100% caps on that one. Srsly Fred.... But it got weird at the end there... sorry buddy.

The following is a time when all caps are inappropriate (and I'll leave out some punctiation as well to make a point):

I LOVE KITTENS THEY ARE SO SWEET AND TASTEY CUPCAKES MAKE ME HAPPY!!!IF YOU LOVE KITTENS AND CUPCAKES REPOST THIS ON 10 FRIENDS WALLS IF THEY REPOST IT TOO THEN YOUR CRUSH WILL REALIZE YOU'RE STALKING THEM AND GET A RESTRAINING ORDER OMG!!!

This is what I mean. If you, or someone you know, has an all caps problem, please point it out. A recent survey concluded that 107% of the time, things written in all caps are skipped and not reposted. That's a lot of percents of the time that crushes could be warned about potential stalkers people! Just sayin....

omg I love cupcakes....

Self photos and the kissy face.

How many times have you looked through someone's pictures and they've taken them all of themselves? Not that there's anything wrong with that... BUT, the same shot of you in your car over and over is STUPID. I'm just sayin'.

The following are captions you could put on people's pictures of themselves.

"This is me driving."
"This is me with a pink shirt driving."
"This is the same shot as before but I have different eyeliner on."
"This time I'm doing that idiotic kissy face people have grown to enjoy. While driving."
"It's raining really heavily outside, but this is me with a coat on. While driving."
"Can you tell I need to poop really bad? Too bad I'm driving and not pooping."
"I'm not driving here, but here I am with cute boots on, but you can't see them because I took a picture of the mirror and used a flash."
"Here I am with my hair in a pony tail, but I don't feel like going out tonight so instead I'll just take pictures of myself in the bathroom mirror while I test out shades of lipstick."
"Omg, I shouldn't post this cause I look like a whore. I'M DOING IT ANYWAY! OMG! I can't believe how crazy I am!"
"My friend took my camera while I was hammered drunk and took this of me totally passed out with my head in the toilet. I told them not to post it. OMG. I can't believe how much I drank that night because I'm so fun and party all the time."
"Here I am with a plaid shirt on while driving."
"Too much dairy, I think I'm constipated. While driving."
"The cute guy at Jiffy Lube says I should check my oil once in a while. WHATEVS! This is my angry face! While driving."
"It's dark and you can't see it, but can you see how my hair looks?"
"I hate sitting in traffic! I drank my mammoth sized latte and will probably wet myself if we don't move soon!"
"This is me sitting at the computer in my totally cute pajamas. Look at my Twilight desktop wallpaper! OMG!"
"Here's me with a cardboard cut out of that guy from Harry Potter. Boys are you so jealouz?"
"LOLZ! While driving."
"Another fuzzy shot of my face with my cell phone camera. While pooping."
"This is me with my favorite beer. I totally just spilled it! OMG!"
"I dyed my hair, but it looks identical to the color it was, can you tell?"
"KISSY FACE!"
"SAME KISSY FACE WITH A HOODIE ON!"
"Pulled over for distracted driving. FROWNY FACE!"