How to have a most enjoyable weekend.

I've taken the liberty of doing all the research required in order to really get out and enjoy your weekend.

The first stop you're going to want to make is to any local 7-11 or corner market. Because as we all know, measure 1183 passed overwhelmingly in the state of Washington, thus privatizing liquor sales and allowing your friendly neighborhood, sketchy, may or may not be connected to Al Qaeda, Minute Mart to sell anything they want. Especially to children and babies. But I digress. My point is, you're going to need something that will get you HAMMERED drunk.

Next, find your greatest southern rock mix tape, mp3 compact disc, or iPod playlist. You're going to need something loud to get this party started in a timely fashion. During this particular time, you need to be texting while you're driving. Make sure all your buddies know that you are on your way. AND, that you've rented a 14 passenger van with a full tank of gas. AND that you must check your morals at the door.
Once you've collected all of your buddies, it's time to unleash the Beast. AKA, Milwaukee's Best. This is a good time to remember that one of you can't drink as much as the rest of you. This person has got to work both pedals and the steering wheel.

Once you've got a good buzz going, find a high school football game to attend. If at all possible, locate that one dad who's a little bit too into the game. You know the one. He's yelling at his son who's the quarterback, and he thinks that he can do better. There's a long back story here, so bear with me. (wish I had a Family Guy cut away here)- This dad was the star of his football team in high school, but he blew his chances at making the big time because he got his high school sweetheart pregnant at homecoming. He passed up on a scholarship to Notre Dame in order to work down at the docks in order to support his child. That child is this kid who he's yelling at to "Get your head in the game. This is the biggest game of your life. Don't waste this opportunity. If you get any girl pregnant at homecoming, so help me."

Flashback to the current time. Who's ever feelin' the toughest, start yelling at this guy to leave him alone. Once the situation escalates, invite him to the parking lot. This is where he will either shut up, or it will be a great opportunity for you and all your buddies to circle around him. Not to give him an edge from death beating, but rather to explain to him the pressures of teenage life and that he might be pushing his son too far. That it might be the reason he never achieved his dream of being the quarterback for the Winnipeg Blue Bombers. After your good deed of making an uninformed parent aware of the social and psychological consequences of being "that dad", it's time to hop back in the van and head to the hardware store.

You're going to need 2 rolls of the wide GREEN painters tape. Not that blue crap. That's for amateurs. In addition, 6 cans of bright red spray paint. After said items have been purchased, make sure to find a Dairy Queen parking lot to start working on masking off the lines on the van. Why Dairy Queen? You're going to need snack while the coats are drying. (I suggest the Chicken Strip Basket with white gravy. De-freakin'-licious.) Once you've got a solid 6 coats on the van, it's time to remove the tape. The van should look pretty much identical to this now.

Now that your van has officially been pimped, and you're full of mediocre home cooked fast food, it's time to do some sort of heist. Heists are a great way to strengthen friendships and build life lasting relationships. One great idea, that I've seen on Worlds Dumbest Criminals, is to steal an entire ATM. Let’s just say that while you were in the hardware store, you got a bunch of chains, a power inverter, a Kawasaki set of interchangeable power tools, and safety glasses.

I like to image that ATMs inside the doors at convenience stores are probably the easiest to obtain. They're compact and not built into a wall of a bank. SO get ready. These step by step instructions are a fool proof way of being set for life. Or at least until all $600 is gone.

1. 3 guys go in with ski masks on and get the clerk's attention. He's going to think you're going to rob him. But that simply isn't the case. Make sure you are pretending to be really interested in some of the classy hats and lighters they have for sale just out of reach of potential thieves.
2. 2 other guys fasten the chain around the towing package on the fan, and run the other ends into the store and wrap them around the ATM at a minimum of 16 times. Go join the other guys looking at fine crafted merchandise.
3. Purchase a 9 LED flashlight, a couple cokes, and a bag of those habanero Doritos. Those things are HOT but so addictive!
4. Casually return to the van. Brace yourselves upon seating. Apply maximum throttle.
5. Drag the ATM back to the Dairy Queen parking lot.
6. Unleash the assorted Kawasaki power tools. I'd start with the reciprocating saw. Just a tip.
7. Once the ATM is open and the money has been counted and distributed, it's time to plan your next part of the evening. A little game called "Who Can Buy the Coolest Thing for Under $67".

The best way to play this game is to find a strip mall or one of those shopping centers that at least has a Kohl's. You can all go your own direction, but you only have an hour. After which, you must meet back at the van. And you know what, it just became a white elephant party. You all know the rules for that. Make it happen.

At this point, it's starting to get late, and you've got church in the morning. That southern rock mix is going to come in handy about now. And if I recall, you got the extra insurance on the rental van. It's time to set up "Gymkhana the van". One of you is bound to have an Iphone4SGSGG, so there's your camera. Here's a good example of how to do it.! I think you're all set for a few more minutes of fun.

So, now that your wives or parents have bailed you out of jail, I think you can look back and see that this was one of the greatest nights of your life. And it's all thanks to my helpful tips. But please don't be afraid to improvise. You don't even need a van. You could go Starsky and Hutch style or maybe even Knight Rider or Dukes of Hazzard.

Have a delightful weekend. And for reals, please drink responsibly. Just sayin'.